This story is not for children who have dads who are even minimally involved.
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One of the earliest negative character traits children learn to cast judgement on is the concept of being a “chicken” or a “scardeycat.” They learn this at recess in kindergarten. If someone is a scardeycat, children don’t personalize it, it is one of the first traits they see in others that they know is out of their control.
Scaredydad does a few things:
Moves the blame for a fathers absence - to the father. Most children will seek a means to negotiate or change a painful situation, and this comes with blaming themselves, their mother, and even stepfather. Scaredydad lets them blame the father on terms they can understand.
Gives the child the opportunity to reject the father, instead of feeling rejected.
Prevents the child from emulating their father as they grow older. Many children, especially boys, will try to earn their fathers love in later years to try to heal the inner wounded child who felt that rejection. A lot of times this kind of dad is seen as “cool” because they are still child like, where the mother is the boring mature one. Scaredydad frames the father as something embarrassing instead.
Allows the child to see that mom was afraid too, but she was brave and worked twice as hard because she loves him. Refocusing the child from wondering why they weren’t enough, to the mother who proves every day the child is loved unconditionally.
Allows the child see how much mom does, and frames mom as the hero who is making the situation better.
Works to prevent a lifetime of damage the child has to unwind that center around their self worth, feeling like love is transactional, and fears of abandonment that come from father abandonment. Stopping those feelings of inadequacy before they start.
Seeks to keep the cycle from repeating.
Scardeydad isn’t going to answer all the questions, but it serves as a foundation for the child to bypass many of the mental barriers created at a young age, and it opens up a conversation for you to answer more questions about it.
